Monday, June 9, 2014

That Time I Did A Juice Cleanse

Let's talk about that time I "did" a juice cleanse. I had heard about juice cleanses from multiple people, so I thought why not... I'm getting married at the end of the summer, so if there's a good time to do it, it's probably now. Plus, a lot of skinny celebrities do it, so it can't be that hard, right?

Here's how it went (spoiler: I didn't make it through):

7:30am Wake up for Pilates. Drink water the whole way through, contemplating whether or not I should actually do this cleanse when I get home. But I already paid for it and it's sitting in the fridge, so I should just go for it.

8:14am Halfway through some sort of torturous exercise, I decide I'm giving up all fatty foods if this is what it takes to stay in shape. No more cake. (Right, who am I kidding?)

8:57am Get home from Pilates. All I want is a bagel. Open the fridge and grab the juice labeled 1, head outside with the newspaper and my "juice".

9:03am Tweet out a photo of what I'm about to drink.
Blueprint cleanse, juice cleanse

9:03:15am OMG that is disgusting. I've heard it tastes like salad without dressing in liquid form, but... it does. And it's not good.

I got Number 1 down in a few big gulps, gagging only a little bit.

10:15am I guess I can try the second one. I'm afraid of what it is... oh, pineapple, mint, and apple? That doesn't sound terrible. And it's not. So I drink it in sips rather than gulping it down and making faces.

11:10am I kind of want Pub Cheese. Or Oreos? What's the sweetest drink involved here? Okay, skip to Number 6, which looks like a milkshake and has vanilla and cinnamon. That should fix my cravings for bad food.

11:17am A few sips into 6 and I decide I'm not actually that hungry, so why waste this good juice? Back in the fridge it goes.

I entertained myself with housework, as is normal on a Sunday, until I felt overwhelmingly tired at 2pm and had to take a nap.

3:33pm I'm awake, trying to walk Sprout, and I have 0 energy. Like less than any day I've had no energy.

3:37pm Do I take a nap or drink another juice? The next one is Number 3, which is basically Green Death 1 all over again. Kill me. I'm not doing that.

3:37:05pm But I should just keep going with this, so maybe I should just drink it?

3:38pm Nope, Pub Cheese. Pub Cheese and crackers. With a Diet Pepsi on the side.

So... I didn't make it the whole day. I would recommend trying some of the sweeter juices (like the Pineapple/Apple/Mint or Spicy Lemonade) as a snack replacement, but this whole juice cleanse thing isn't for me.

Have you done a juice cleanse? What did you think?



  1. Hahahaha this is awesome. I've gotten as far as should I do a juice cleanse? And my answer has always been No.

    1. If you're interested, there's another bottle of the green death in my fridge ;)

  2. I did a cleanse this spring by the ripe stuff and loved it-- the juices were yummy, I was never hungry, and had a lot of energy.


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